A report 3 months later...

Here I find myself, still 25 lbs. down from where I was in November of 2014, just about 9 months ago.  I am on Whidbey Island, surrounded by hikers, bikers, runners, paddle boarders, kayak-ers, triathletes swimming in lakes and I can get myself do one of these actives or a romp to the gym maybe once a week if I am lucky.  My lack of weight gain, I am afraid, is my muscles shriveling like a popped balloon and I am watching all the tiny little parts of my new body plump up slowly but surely.

Don't worry, it's not too late, this is why I am here, writing!

I am writing because I am on the same playing field as my fellow weight loss dreamers.  I am in this with you all and hope we can draw some strength from one another even from afar.  I dream of the day I again can put on my skinny jeans and flash my muscles in a glimpse of what strength I have.  I want to say, "no thanks" to a sliver of cheese and a glass of wine but I can't.  Just 4 months ago, my self-control was about as strong and obvious as The Incredible Hulk.  Now my self-control has washed off into the Pacific on waves of "what the fuck did I just get myself into".  After this move I am about as vulnerable as being woken, stripped naked, and thrown into the middle of Time Square during spring break.  I am scared shitless, because in a sense, I lost me on the road to Whidbey.


I have moved here to find some peace in my life.  Zvi and I worked on an organic farm in Ireland in 2010 and we fell in love with the countryside, with good food, living on a body of water and here we are in Washington and we have found exactly that.  However, what I failed to realize is that I am a city gal true to the core and I have a big hard layer to strip away of cement loving, hot dog stand eating, hole-in-the-wall bar dwelling, and public transit me.  I moved to this paradise yet I drained out my bank account, blew a kiss goodbye to all my besties, came jobless, to a studio apartment no bigger than my pinkie toe nail furnished with someone else's stuff while all my belongings remain packed in storage, to find out that this is real small town and I don't know what the hell I am doing.  But I made that decision, so here I am and now I need to muster up the courage to recreate my life in a way in which I wish to live it along-side my best friend of 7 years, Zvi. How exciting that I get to do that!

I had found, in Chicago that working out really boosted my self-esteem.  It raised my endorphin levels and really made me a happy girl.  Eating healthy made my cranky cravings go away.  And trying new things at the gym helped bring me courage in ways I didn't expect.  I felt more beautiful inside and out, than ever.  I felt plain ol' slap happy.

I believe that the two most contributing factors are that I found a nice work/life balance and a wonderful community at the gym and through my blog supporters.  I don't currently have that system or those people to motivate to get to the gym.  I have a gym, I have running shoes and all the necessaries to get my ass back to shape.  But I do not have the motivation nor the support and that is so incredibly important.  So if you're feeling unmotivated to get the gym for some reason, know you're not alone.  But also, challenge yourself to find what motivates you and a find a good community.  And please send good vibes to me to, because right now, I am having a hard time and I can't seem to make this work.....yet.

Post Challenge: Don't. Ever. Stop.

It's been two weeks since my final weigh-in.  On April 30th, I weighed in at 174 pounds.  Since November, I had lost 30 pounds, starting at 204 pounds.   It's been a hard two weeks as I have taken a bit of a vacation from the gym.  I wanted to treat myself to real food but found that the more I ate sugar & fat, the more I craved it.  It's addicting!  I gained 5 pounds in two weeks not working out and eating crappy foods.   Here is the craziest thing.  I went back to the gym yesterday after a two week vacation and I was shockingly out-of-shape.  I was out of breath and I felt as if I were going to vomit in my exercise class, just 60 minutes of circuit training.  Before I left for vacation I was a pro at that class.  That is just to show me how much I have to continue being in shape as a life long goal.  I was working out 6 to 9 hours per week before I left and as a shock to my body, down to none for a whole week.  On top of that I was drinking alcohol now and eating fatty foods.  I could feel the difference that diet had made on my heart as I was having chest pains in my class, just after two weeks.

I am prepared now to exercise no less than four hours per week. I have two gyms I am going to give a try, one is a full-service with pool, weights, and classes and the other is cross-fit.  In addition the Island is full of hikes and trails for running.  We are surrounded by the Puget Sound where people kayak with Orcas!  And paddle-boarding is pretty popular.  It is an active mecca so I have no excuse to sit on my booty and cake (actually, I always have a reason to eat cake).  I look at it this way, exercise is the device that keeps my heart healthy and shapes my body to look strong and muscular and a low calorie diet will allow me to continue to get to lose or gain weight.  If I want to lose weight I have to watch my calories and eventually once I get there, I can eat a diet to maintain.  I do want to keep trying to get more in shape as there are sections of my body that need more muscle but most importantly I don't ever want to get so out-of-shape again.  I will never be able to stop exercising as I need to be able to get through my day with a healthy, fit - body and mind!

Give yourself some love and start moving now folks and then don't ever stop!

Week 12: This challenge made me a better person

This is my last post, this week is my weigh out and so I will be posting the essay I write about my overall experience.  I have to tell you how this challenge has bettered me as a woman, a wife/sister/daughter/friend, and most of all to myself.

Before I started this challenge, I had endless thoughts about what it would be like to be skinnier, thinner, a size 8, or how I used to be.  It never once occurred that I would still be ME if I ever lost weight and what those words even meant.  I never thought I would go through a huge weight loss only to gain more than I had lost.  What I lost was more than just 25 lbs.  But I gained so much more.

Becoming a better woman:

I started to see through all walks of life, so many women struggle with their image.  Young women face the issue of thinking they are "supposed" to be the sickly, skinny models in the media that we see.  Working women face work/life balance challenges, and after working exhausting hours and not feeling well enough to get to the gym, then feel ashamed for the way they look.  New mothers have had such a physical roller coaster and struggle to find the time to sleep, let alone getting active. And as women age it becomes nearly impossible to shed weight creating scary health issues with their bodies.  As I was going through my challenge so many women came to me telling me about their own health crisis and I realized, we're all having a hard time.  Being sensitive to these issues has helped me to understand the factors we face to stay healthy throughout our lives and I hope I can help other woman to accept that they alone are not a problem when it comes to their fitness and health.  We live in a society that makes it very hard to take care of ourselves.  I found personally, that when I stopped believing that I was the problem, but that I was the solution to combating work/life balance (it was the work/life part that was the problem) I started to do something about it.


Becoming a better wife-sister-daughter-friend:

In my marriage, I have found a wonderful partner who strongly believes that when we each take care of ourselves and love ourselves first, then second we can really truly love and take care of each other better.  My husband and I have taken this spring to follow each of our own dreams.  For me it was to finish this challenge and gain better self-esteem and for him is was moving to Whidbey Island, Seattle to follow his dreams of learning to farm.  We have supported each other through these journeys, even if they have kept us apart.  When I find him in the summer, as I move there with him, he will be half way through his schooling and after just two months, he is beaming with happiness.  I too will glow with better esteem when we come together in Washington.  And I will always remember that through the sacrifices we have made being apart, nothing can be more meaningful than supporting a spouse to take a risk for a chance at happiness.  In this case I will always encourage him to love himself and he will do the same with me, I am sure.  And in this same respect, I hope I have become a better sister, daughter, and friend in encouraging my friends and family to take care of themselves and love themselves and to know that I will do the same and love them back.

Becoming a better worker:

 I can value the changes at work in the past couple months I have felt more confident in myself and thus been better at my job.  Self-esteem boosts the ability to speak out, take risks, and to believe in yourself even in the work place.  I have also found with working out, eating better, and sleeping more, I am more focused at work and just generally making fewer mistakes.

Becoming better at being me:

On top of all of the above, I have started to take care of my feelings & needs.  After doing this challenge I feel like I can do anything.  When you feel like you can do anything, then you feel like you don't have to do what you don't like.  So I am taking a huge leap of faith in moving across country, going back to school for nutrition, moving to an outdoorsy area so I can find adventure, and moving to an island so I can have more quiet and focus on my needs. I won't accept a life that is so hard on me.  I can't over work, under sleep, eat poorly, and live with stress.  I have learned to take control of my life with this challenge.  I have learned to LOVE ME!



So there you have it folks.  Take care of yourselves.  Love yourselves.  Follow your dreams and your heart.  You only get this life once!

Week 12: 175

Week 11: Eat real food

I am sitting in my house with the gravitating smell of sautéed onions and shiitake mushrooms that I baked into a farm egg crustless quiche.  I used cashew milk instead of cream and sprinkled it with cayenne pepper and nutmeg to boost the flavor.  To top the quiche is an avocado cream (avocado, fat-free Greek yogurt, and lime juice).  I am serving it aside a salad of over-roasted carrots and red beets that are tossed with organic red quinoa, spinach, and a lemon basil Greek yogurt.

My place smells divine.  I needed to cook.  I have felt so insatiated with a pent up need to release my inner artist.  I am a trained chef after all and I love the beauty of food and flavors.  

You might be wondering why I am writing about food in my fitness blog.  Well you see, I have had a really hard time taking to the general rules of fitness and all the diet fads.  Drink this powder, take this pill, and eat only boneless skinless chicken breasts and green vegetables.  

Since I have avoided diets like Atkins or Paleo I have not lost weight as quickly as others in this competition.  I also have found that I don't gain all of the weight I am losing when I have a glass of wine or piece of bread.  I am also rarely hungry as I have fed well with nutrients. So I go on eating whole foods.  

I have drawn a wild fascination with wanting to know what I can eat to continue to my fitness goal while being able to eating chef driven recipes. It will not be powder.  And I will continue to lose weight.  So I have decided to spend this summer researching and eating for weight loss but through beautiful flavors and diverse foods.  I value the earth and finding locally sourced, seasonal foods that supports farmers who grow to improve the land. I have to believe that processed & packaged foods, even if they are "diet" foods, are not going to make me healthy and keep me healthy.  I also know that fat is essential in the body as are complex carbohydrates which goes against everything you read about weight loss.

So I have decided to take my time at losing weight, cooking healthy fruits and vegetables, whole grains, farm eggs and dairy and lean meat cuts from pastured animals.  The most exciting part about teaching myself to cook this way is that I can continue my challenge into a sustainable life change. One that will keep me pointed in the right health direction. And I get to benefit weight loss through eating delicious food!

Week 11: 180

Week Ten: Love yourself

Love Your Body**

For the past week I have been trying to write this blog, I have had to scrap every piece I had written previously on really loving myself because coming from me, this would not have been genuine.  I have not been able to sleep thus putting my appetite and mood off horribly and I have felt really bad about myself. And if I told you all that I had finally found all the self confidence in the world to keep me happy 24/7, then I would just be lying.  I want to teach people how to love themselves and take care of themselves and so the best way I can do so, is to talk about what to do when we fall in and out of caring for ourselves.  

I can describe what is happening through this challenge as this.  Each effort I have made to get myself to the gym by getting over excuses of why not to go and understanding that I can do anything I put my mind to has resulted in an overwhelming climactic firework finale of self-confidence.  I want to stand on the tops of mountains shouting "I love myself" and "I am beautiful" and "beauty has no size".  Those fireworks cease leaving small embers of motivation and if you're not careful, the fire can go out.  So it is your responsibility to feed the fire and by that I mean to take the time each day to look at yourself and think about yourself and to respect yourself.  

_________________________________________________________________________________

Though it was a hard week, I have gained respect for myself through this challenge that will not go away as long as I am looking at myself (those embers I was referring to).  The truth is, I was not loving myself because I was feeling crumby and I was feeling crumby because I was not taking care of myself.  Luckily, my growth in this challenge has been well-rounded so with a couple checks and balances put into place, I bounced back.  I realize that I need sleep & eat well.  I need entertainment.  I need to let go sometimes.  I need meditation.  I need exercise.  And most of all, I need to spend time caring for myself and listening to what my body needs.  If I need a day lounging or I need a glass of wine with a girlfriend, or extra rest, that's just what I did to get myself back to feeling better.  And of course with a couple rules like being on a 1200 calorie diet until I get to my fitness target and being sure to exercise 4-6 days per week, I have been very successful at following through.  And these are not really just rules but rather life skills (of course I will change my diet when it's time).

The best thing I could have done is to monitor myself and journal through this journey.  I purchased a heart rate monitor.  It has helped me to gauge how fit I have become without using a scale.  And by journeling my food and feelings, I have seen how certain things make me feel good and some make me feel bad.  My emotions support my physical ability and vice versa.  I didn't know this but I have spent the past (I don't even know how many) years, breezing through life not paying attention at all to myself or how I felt or what I needed.  I felt like a zombie.  I was tired, slow, my stomach was always upset, I was grumpy, lethargic, and spaced out.  Now I am far more present and loving and even if I slip up, I am aware of what's going on with my body and I get right back on with it.

I am feeling so proud of myself.  It's nice to be my own biggest fan for once and for all.  I feel happy and pretty most of the time.  And I know I will continue this journey for the rest of my life with a better understanding of what health and beauty really are.

Week 10:  182

**I chose this photo because it has stretch marks.  I am starting to get marks from losing weight but when I see this body, it's beautiful and a good reminder that marks on your body are battle wounds and reminders of hard work.  Whether from having a baby or losing weight these marks are a sign of accomplishment.

Week Nine: The physical barrier and the plateau

It's March 29th and I have not lost a pound in three weeks!  In fact, I gained a pound.  My first reaction made me think - WTF!  I am eating clean, I am working out, and I am turning down dinner dates and happy hours left and right.  It just seems so unfair and frankly I want to give up.  If I am going to work hard and not lose weight, then why not just have a cocktail or an ice cream cone.  To hell with it.

I was lucky to have found a new vision for my fitness and overall health a couple weeks back.  I had realized then that this was a life change and not just a three month challenge.  I was not going to starve myself or live on protein shakes for three months to lose weight, just to gain it all back.  And though I was super bummed that my work did not seem to be paying off by the numbers on the scale (the measure in which I would be rewarded or not), I did know that I could ROCK OUT AT THE GYM!

I am 185 lbs. of (mostly) rock solid muscle.  And any fat that has clutched onto my body is reason for me to keep working hard.  And I like working hard.  There is something so satisfying about working out and sweating, it is like melting butter in a sauce pan.   My jiggles melting away at each curl, jump, press, squat I perform.  And you can't judge me by my size.  A person who might look fitter than me likely is not.  They are probably not going to the gym six days a week and eating lean protein and vegetables as a religion.  So now the numbers I look at are the speed on my treadmill, the miles I have run, the weight on the machine, and my heart rate monitor.

 

I did inquire as to why I would possibly have such a hard time moving the needle.  I needed to know and I got answers.  Your body is a well-oiled machine.  It is smarter than any computer or man-made machine.  After a couple tries at an activity, your body has it down.  If you work out a new muscle or try a new activity, it puts a bit of stress on your body.  Let's use the TRX ropes as an example.  If you don't know, they are hanging ropes with handles to allow you to do exercises like push-ups, pull-up, and squats etc. lifting your own body weight.  When I first started, I felt as if doing 10 pull-ups was going to literally kill me.  I would sweat, be out of breath, and fatigue fast.  But now after some time, I can do TRX pull-ups all day.  My body had gotten to its fittest at that particular exercize and I was not stressing my muscles so thus not sweating away the pounds. Your body can only get so fit, so you have to continue to change up the exercise and stress a new part of your body.  The same idea goes with diet.  To get over this plateau we have implemented heavy weights, which are new for me, and changed-up my diet by adding juicing.

Skipping ahead 2 weeks, I lost 6 lbs. If you're going to the gym and hopping on the elliptical 5 days a week and can't ever seem to lose weight, now you know why.  Try something new.  And ladies, don't be intimidated by weights, you have far more variety and can work out individual parts of your body.  And you might just look as bad ass as this vintage weight lifter!

Week 9: 186 bs.   (but no sweat, I got this!)

Week Eight: Turn Down for What

No, I am not talking about the Lil' Jon song.

    You can get your listen on here 

I am talking about learning the art of saying no in a world of vices.  This is that mental hurdle I was speaking about in my last blog.

Last week was trying. My days were filled with walking into a kitchen for work and being offered a cake or getting tickets a cocktail party. And of course life brings meeting up with friends for drinks and supper and dinner club with my ladies. I have a good life, how do I say no! And more than that how do I make changes from this life and my friends who all value love and laughter around a good meal or a glass of wine. These are also my values.

Baby steps, that's how.

I've been honest with my friends in asking to eat at restaurants I know I can eat at and recently even been turning down invitations that are too tempting.  I imagine that soon I will be able to have a cheat day here and there where I don't think twice about how many passed hor dourves I have.  But in my current situation, that extra square of dark chocolate or one piece of bread is past my limit.  I recently heard that after a year or so of regular hard working diet & exercise, your metabolism can be more lax about what you eat.  But I have a long way to go.  So, slowly I will go chipping away the pounds and I will be very selective on which vices I choose to allow in my life, depending on which make me happiest.

A large part of my lifestyle change is to start replacing all those dinners with physical activities I can partake in with friends.  I imagine I can replace a morning brunch with cocktails with a morning run and a healthy brunch to follow.  Evenings at bar can be exchanged for dance classes or just hitting the dance floor.  And Saturday's on the couch with Zvi might be replaced with hikes.  I still have yet to find such activities. And it's hard to know who I can ask to take a hike or go for a run.  But with baby steps and understanding for how challenging this is for me, I will be able to balance putting calories in my body with activities that also take calories out of my body.  And of course my disciplined days and my new more active lifestyle will still be rewarded with dinners around love and laughter.  I am a chef after all and there is no place better to smile with friends than around a good meal.  Though this time I might turn down for what, for pasta!

Week Eight: 185 pounds

Note: I had a hard week.  I worked hard and gained a pound.  I chalked it up to gaining muscle and told myself that is good.  Lean body weight is great!  After speaking with a coach at the gym, I have implemented juicing.  Not instead of meals, but in addition and am now having smaller meals.  I am using the fiber to boost my metabolism and filling my stomach and my cravings with fruits and vegetables.