Week Seven: I won

I have officially won what it was that I was looking for with this challenge.  I thought it was $50,000, a size 6, and maybe a 50 pound weight loss.  But I didn't know exactly what I was really in search of until I found it. What I found was that it is more important to have a healthy body than to lose weight. I hear all your "Amen Sista's" out there, but have you really achieved that, have you internalized that?  I thought I had, but so many days I stood unhappy in front of a mirror.

I have gotten many props for braving the honesty of my bad self-image to the world through my blog and publicly discussing my weight. So many of us are trying to reach a number on the scale or get that "summer body", as magazines suggest.  I have spent the last 14 years of my life or longer, living an unhealthy lifestyle in a world hoping that if I just stop eating bread I will look like Beyoncé.  I live in this world where women are judged by the bodies they have and images in media dictate what healthy and sexy are.  And ridiculous diet fads create unrealistic health goals. So it hasn't been until now that I really truly have been able to internalize and value how healthy equals beautiful.  


These women are beautiful.  They are glowing, smiling, and all different shapes and sizes.  If you take away anything you have ever learned (ever!) and ask your body what fitness is, I don't think it would say size 4, 120 pounds.  Your body has no idea what Kate Moss looks like and does not care, honestly.  Your body has no idea what 7 for All Mankind skinny jeans are.  And your body does not know what a size 4 is.  

But your body does know that cardio workouts improve your heart health and  your metabolism. Your body understands that weight training increases bone density and promotes fat-free body mass.  Let's stop right here, "promotes fat-free body mass". Those muscles mean you can step off the scale because the number on the scale does not necessarily equate to the amount of fat on your body, so it's a false indicator.  OK, where were we?  Your body understands that you combat cardiovascular disease when eating a healthy diet rich in fruits and vegetables. Your body also understands that you have higher energy when you eat well.  

In the past month, my skin is pinker.  My eyes are whiter.  The dark circles are going away. The rash on my cheeks is gone and any acne is decreasing.  My physique is leaner and very muscular.  That scary belly weight that is dangerous is decreasing.  My hair and nails are growing faster than ever.  And my stress levels are decreasing.  And I still weighed in this week at 184 pounds.  However, this healthy, younger feeling person really does not care about that weight because, again, it does not dictate how healthy I am or how my image is perceived.  Of course I am no righteous virtue who believes there is no place where image has no importance.  I want my husband to be physically attracted to me.  I want to fit into that adorable dress.  But as healthy and happy are the most important features in our lives, I can now see that I am beautiful when I am healthy.  

It has taken three pieces to the puzzle to get to really value this fitness challenge, or should I say lifestyle change.  

Part 1: Jump mental hurdle

It's so hard to get out of the house and into the gym or pool or running sneakers.  It's also hard not to want to pizza, burgers, and Italian beef back-to-back.  But I had to try to get there and do that and now it is my life.  Once I got over the hurdle, it felt bad on the days when I couldn't get to the gym and now my body requests fruits and veggies and turkey burgers.  When it wants a cheat, like a bagel, I give that to my body because it's telling me I need some extra calories for energy or that I have been so good I deserve a treat.

Part 2: Get over the physical barrier

You know when you get to mile 2 and you think, shit, I can't keep going, I am just going to turn around, my and playlist isn't good today anyway (or some irrelevant excuse like that)? Or when you be like "I can't do a push-up without my knees, I am a girl".  And that time in gym class when you hung on the bottom of the ropes looking up with no hope to climb one notch.  None of that is actually true.  It's a mental hurdle. It is your scared, lazy ego that has no idea of what you're physically capable of, so keep going and you will get to mile 4.

And this is the best part yet!

Part 3:  Improve Emotional Relationship to My Body

Once I got over the mental & physical hurdles, I could start to hear my body talk.  When I had a good workout, my body told me I was strong.  When I was hungry, my body told me to eat.  If I needed to treat myself to a glass of wine and relax, my body told me to relax and enjoy.  I could no longer beat myself up for a little cheat here and there, because it was what I needed in order to get back to the gym for a fun and successful workout.  More importantly those treats became the exception and not the rule.  And once I felt like my weight was not really my target goal any longer, I felt freed from the negative relationship I had with what my body was supposed to be.  The "nicer" appearance was a side effect of working to be healthier and happier.

Right now I am just over half way through this competition.  My head is in the game and clearer than ever. I am feeling now that I have a sustainable life change in place.  I definitely have a way to go to get to my personal best in terms of healthy.  But that personal best is really just a way for me to have fun and keep myself challenged.  

I know that I will get to the gym and make good choices eating healthy.  And because I will go to the gym, I will prove myself wrong when my ego tells me "I can't" because I will go that extra mile.  And because I really know the effects on my health and my life with this lifestyle, I have realized that this is not about losing 50 pounds at all but about staying active and fit and enjoying life.  And with that I will be more loving and happy and there within lies the beauty.  

So ladies and gents, though I have only achieved 50% of this challenge yet.  I have already won.